It's been too long...

Thinner:yes.
Happier?No.
Right now I can hear my family talk about me. "She's on this I'm not gonna eat because I wanna be like the girls in the pictures thing." "If she doesnt want to eat I wont cook...the little brat.""She was throwing up I heard her.I thought she was the best one of the bunch....guess we have hope Claudias the good one." What.A.Waste." Kill me please. I'm sure it would be less painful than this. Suffering in Eternal silence. Sounds about right.

Where did mommy's little girl go?

My mom caught me purging I tried to lie my way out of it but she isn't that dumb.I feel horrible. I don't want her to look down on me. I'm the smart responsible athletic girl that every parent wants...atleast on the outside. On the inside I am panicky and impulsive, the majority of my thoughts revolve around my size and weight. It sickens me that I've become so superficial. I can't take a (fat) joke without almost bursting into tears. My mirage of perfection is falling apart. I'm far from perfect. I want to punch someone in the face for my situation...but oh, yea that would be me. I just want to be normal, eat normally, have normal thoughts, have a normal body. But fear that the possibility of normality is being ripped from my grasp. I want to stop, so Ive put myself on a *very* strict diet. Between volleybal 5x a week and basketball 6x a week I figured it'd whip my fat ass in shape. Oh well I better hit the hay...purging takes a lot out of you.

August? Already?!???

Sooo my summers been sub par at best. I wanna go back to school but then again I don't I'm going to chicago this weekend for a basketball game. Also I discovered I have a mild case of add Lmfao!!!! Concerta is major appetite supressor. I haven't purged in a looooooong time. But I look thin :3 so yay! Hmmm I have Practice tonight and I don't wanna go. Blahhh

Stay thin LATERLOVELIES

Rawr!

Sooooo sorry i havent been posting many entries but hey whatchagonnado? 11 days till FLA! YAY!I got kicked in the mouth today and it hurts lika MOFO! no lie...at leaast I can't eat :D .....sigh I still really love Nick but yea he has the hots for Jordan :PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP That SUUUUCKS! Well...I'm tired and about to go to bed...please leave a comment...I feel lonely :(:

HURRY THE FUUUUDGE UP!

Sighhhh I, by no means, am a salesperson. I rediscovered this fact whilst working for my father....sigh. I need a summer job but my dad refuses to get me a permit so alas I remain unemployed. I desperately need this vacation to hurry up. 17 more friggin days then I'm FLA BOUND BABY! WOOOOOOOO! Okay I just ate supper and im about to go purge. Questions, comments, concerns, ideas, inspiration, whatevs, put it in the comments! LATERLOVELIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)))))

Over Exercising? Never!

Gaaawwwwd! My freakin fatness won't go away!!! I swear i'm going to end up just ripping it off myself! I'm getting ready to bike up to a convenience store which is about 2 miles away....I just got through swimming I'm tired. Probably going to crash after my biking. So far I've consumed a little over 1000cal so I'm done eating for the day....well comment or do what you will exchanging thoughts or something....:) PEACE!

Tick Tock Tick Tock

So same old same old. I'm still fat and flabby. My dad says I now have to wait 3 months to resume basketball...What happened to 2 weeks????? I miss my team, sigghhhhhh! I cut my bangs today and surprisingly they turned out really well :) Anything to hide my ugly face!!!!!!!!! Next weekend is a farewell reception for the asshole that is abandoning our team. Coach M., ughh how I hate the slimey bastard he left our team for another team....a team that he feels is better and has a better chance of winning state....NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN! I'll fight that douche and win.....he'll see....:) KBYELOVELIES!!!!!!

Blaaaahhh!

Ugh... I feel yucky and fat but I discovered I actually lost 7 lbs in the past week :) yay! I'm going to start working out a LOT and eating less and less. My stomachs still not flat and my legs still aren't toned but i intend to fix that! I'm worried about looking like a flippin beached whale on vacay :P we're going to cocoa beach fla and there will be girls running around in bikinis and i'll be sitting there in my tankini feeling horrible. This sucks oh and guess what I discovered I grew another 3 inches since Christmas putting me at just over 6 ft. I'm still not done growing! My doctor says I have another 5 inches or so. Might as well try out for the WNBA while I'm at it. Most girls my age are done growing...this sucks! I'm probably going to gain even more weight. I wouldnt be surprised if i topped the scales at 200lbs. I would probably cry my eyes out for hours if i saw that.  Luckily I'm no where close to 200 and I will continue my rant some other time so...Peace, Shalom, Auf Wiedersehen, Adios, Goodbye :)

Cam :p

So unfortunately my bulimic tendencies followed me to confirmation camp. I would eat then run to the bathroom. I still feel as if I've gained some weight...blahhh! Luckily my friends were there they don't know but still, they were incredibly comforting. A guy that I have been crushing on came down to run the fishing derby thing. I caught 8 fish yayyyyyyyyyy! His name is nick but I think he likes another girl. Shes a beautiful thin dancer. I want to be her... I crave his attention or any guys attention. I just need to feel beautiful...... I have to stop writing right now I'm on the verge of a total meltdown. But one last thing I want you guys to know..... I WILL BE THIN AND STRONG AND BEAUTIFUL!

Well...so much for that

I figured out that it is almost impossible to stop cold-turkey, but I have reduced my purging to once a day. I make sure that I only purge about 10% of food. I just love the feeling after purging, I think that's what I'm hooked on, the emptiness, weightlessness. So far I have forced myself to eat under 1600 calories and all of the food is healthy, no refined or processed foods, no chips or cookies or *sob* ice cream, my favorite binge food 
:(. I am eating FRESH fruits and veggies, no soda, especially not diet. Quick side note for you: there is an ingredient in diet sodas called aspartame. It is broken down into menthol, aspartic acid, and formaldehyde (the stuff they use to preserve dead bodies with). In large doses aspartame can be lethal. D: I've also been burning roughly 1500 calorie through volunteering with little kids and swimming. Soon that number will jump to 4000 calories as soon as I start up basketball again. I know that calorie restriction is a form of Ana but it is almost impossible for me to just let go of calorie counting without feeling a TON of guilt. Right now I still want to lose 30lbs before school starts, I know that is nearly impossible. Crossing my fingers praying that I can get my fat self to look good! 

BINGE DAY!

My whole day was devoted to binging AND NOT PURGING!! And yes I feel like a fatass but on top of that I learned that 50% of all of the calories/sugar/fat you eat are already absorbed into your body within 30 minutes of eating it! HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF GOD! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?! I also learned that I have lost 30% of my muscle mass and I'm starting basketball in a month and a half!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF?!?!?! So I have quit binging and purging and started eating healthy lifting weights and doing 30 minutes of intense cardio every day. I'm pretty sure I'm going to cave in the near future but, I will assure you I will NOT PURGE! I'M DONE WITH MIA AND THE HELL HOLE SHE'S CREATED!!!!!!!!! I'M FUCKING FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a fucking FATASS!

So I binged only once today and I of course purged but i also had a semi-light breakfast which I should've purged but psyched myself out of doing. So i haven't eaten anything since my noon binged of chips and dip. But guess what my fucking family is doing?  BAKING MOTHERFUCKING BROWNIES! And the smell has penetrated my room GOD I CANT WAIT TO GET BACK TO BASKETBALL! Right now i have to stick to isometrics and swimming. I'm also going on a juice/liquid fast. My goal is to lose my pooch and thighs and arms and well....... everything. Right now I look like a gob of fat with legs I wish it would just fall off!!!!!!!!!!!!






MIA TIP OF THE DAY: *I HAVE TESTED THIS IT REALLY WORKS* WHEN PURGING WRAP YOUR MOUTH AROUND YOUR FINGER(S) AND SWALLOW GULPS OF AIR! 

Binges :P

So, I binged this morning. Yea not too proud of it, but at least i got most of it up. I also binged last night!  F$%&!!!!!!!! But noww im lifting weights and swimming so at least i burned off another 500-1000 cals! 
Last night:
pasta
salad
breaaaadd!
fruit snacks
cookies 
cake!
purged at least %90 


This Morning:
biscuit with jam
peach cake
coco puffs
chocolate chip pancakes
purged %80 
and thats all im eating today :)


MIA TIP: VITAMIN WATER IS SOOOOOOO GOOD IT RESTORES ELECTROLYTES AND ITS LOW CAL!

Mia and Ana

Mia and Ana are a part of my life now. Well, more specifically just Mia i have had it for about a year now. This is my first blog and I'm not "pro" anything. I made this to help others deal with their ED. Hateful and abusive comments will not be tolerated.

My story started as a fat kid. I was always bigger than everyone. I was at least a foot taller and wayyyyyy wider, then I got into sports and the pounds fell off. I was still fat, just more muscle. Then i suffered from a debilitating knee injury and I was told by my uncle/ physical therapist that i was fat and should work on losing weight. This was horrible to hear. I knew i was fat but to have someone i trusted and loved tell me to get thin rocked my world. I then stopped eating regular meals and started eating fruits maybe three to four times a day. I would consume under 500 cals per day. I broke down at a family gathering and had all of the fatty foods you could thing of. I was desperate so i purged and instantly felt better. So now my daily routine is fruit in the morning nothing for lunch then binge/purge in the afternoon. So far i have been able to control my Mia only purging at the most 2 times a day. I've lost 50lbs so far.

So now the good stuff..... tips!

MIA

1) drink toooooooooooooons of water while binging, about 2-4 cups or 24-36 oz

2) BUBBLES! Any fizzy drinks (diet soda, sparkling water, etc.)will help the food come up better! I prefer Diet Dr. Pepper.

3)Use multiple fingers to purge and wiggle them around.(I prefer 4)

4)Use a tooth brush! It may sound weird, but it really works! Rotate it back and forth.

5)If you have them, use latex gloves so your nails don't scratch your throat.

6)No spicy foods. If they were hot going down theyll be hotter coming up.

7)Eat something at the end if your binge that coats your throat, like honey or pudding or a banana.

8)Turn up the music so your parents dont hear you purge.

9)Push on your stomach as you purge, it get more food up.

10)Drink smart water or vitamin water to restore electrolytes after you purge.

11) Use Mouth wash instead of brushing your teeth after you purge. Brushing right after takes enamel off.

12) Don't eat scratchy/crunchy/chunky foods, chips, frosted flakes, etc.

13)Don't kneel in front of the toilet stand up and bend over. This helps A TON.

14)Ice cream is one of the BEST binge foods it comes up really easily and tastes great too!

15)Drink water in between purges while your over the toilet it helps the food come up as your purging.

ANA

1)Think to yourself is this momentary pleasure worth a lifetime of fat?

2)Have a low cal and high cal day, say you eat 400 4 days then 800 the fifth and continue your fluctuation with different caloric intakes per day.

3)Try to eat a minimal of 300 cal per day. If you eat less it slows down your basal metabolic rate and makes you FATTER! You can find out your BMR here: http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/

4) Gradually eat more and more calories per day. Then drop it ,this can reduce plateauing. 

5) Picture yourself eating something really nasty and try to throw off your appetite.

Sorry I don't have more Ana tips I'll study up and try to post more later. Comment on my blog and email me with questions or concerns at undercoverbulimic@gmail.com! More posts to come!!!!! :)