Ah blog with no followers. So it's more of a journal really. I haven't purged in weeks. And I will never urge ever again. Nope it's Ana I turn to now. I think that one of my friends is anorexic too(: I feel guilty for feeling happy because I know it's hard. But she and I have each others backs. We set examples for each other. If she says no more oranges I'm full and gives me a look she knows I understand. And I'll say something like you want the rest of my lettuce it has low fat Italian dressing and I give her a look she'll know it's safe. My mom has stopped worrying and I feel better. But I tore my minuscus a while back and now I have to go see the uncle that spurred my eating disorders and depression twice a week. I protest every time we go. He still can't look me in the eyes without knowing that he was wrong. His daughter is a ball and I'm tall and lean. He hasn't said anything about my dropping 50+ lbs. I can start to see my hip bones with out sucking in. All he said is that my jaw is reshaping and my face has less pudge. Yes, he used the word pudge. I do not hate my uncle. I hate what he has done. I eat healthy foods(very little of them) but even then with no purging I can still feel the blood pooling in the back of my throat. I can feel a tension headache caused by purging even though I haven't since before my surgery. My dad was asking me why I protest going to physical therapy. My mom told him how upset I was after the first time. I spent the majority of my physical therapy session choking back tears as he told me I was carrying a lot of weight around. And If I didnt change my fatness I would be weeded out before I could play D1 women's basketball. He was a star athlete you know. My aunt Christine shot me looks of ity as he called me out.

It's been too long...

Thinner:yes.
Happier?No.
Right now I can hear my family talk about me. "She's on this I'm not gonna eat because I wanna be like the girls in the pictures thing." "If she doesnt want to eat I wont cook...the little brat.""She was throwing up I heard her.I thought she was the best one of the bunch....guess we have hope Claudias the good one." What.A.Waste." Kill me please. I'm sure it would be less painful than this. Suffering in Eternal silence. Sounds about right.

Where did mommy's little girl go?

My mom caught me purging I tried to lie my way out of it but she isn't that dumb.I feel horrible. I don't want her to look down on me. I'm the smart responsible athletic girl that every parent wants...atleast on the outside. On the inside I am panicky and impulsive, the majority of my thoughts revolve around my size and weight. It sickens me that I've become so superficial. I can't take a (fat) joke without almost bursting into tears. My mirage of perfection is falling apart. I'm far from perfect. I want to punch someone in the face for my situation...but oh, yea that would be me. I just want to be normal, eat normally, have normal thoughts, have a normal body. But fear that the possibility of normality is being ripped from my grasp. I want to stop, so Ive put myself on a *very* strict diet. Between volleybal 5x a week and basketball 6x a week I figured it'd whip my fat ass in shape. Oh well I better hit the hay...purging takes a lot out of you.

August? Already?!???

Sooo my summers been sub par at best. I wanna go back to school but then again I don't I'm going to chicago this weekend for a basketball game. Also I discovered I have a mild case of add Lmfao!!!! Concerta is major appetite supressor. I haven't purged in a looooooong time. But I look thin :3 so yay! Hmmm I have Practice tonight and I don't wanna go. Blahhh

Stay thin LATERLOVELIES

Rawr!

Sooooo sorry i havent been posting many entries but hey whatchagonnado? 11 days till FLA! YAY!I got kicked in the mouth today and it hurts lika MOFO! no lie...at leaast I can't eat :D .....sigh I still really love Nick but yea he has the hots for Jordan :PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP That SUUUUCKS! Well...I'm tired and about to go to bed...please leave a comment...I feel lonely :(:

HURRY THE FUUUUDGE UP!

Sighhhh I, by no means, am a salesperson. I rediscovered this fact whilst working for my father....sigh. I need a summer job but my dad refuses to get me a permit so alas I remain unemployed. I desperately need this vacation to hurry up. 17 more friggin days then I'm FLA BOUND BABY! WOOOOOOOO! Okay I just ate supper and im about to go purge. Questions, comments, concerns, ideas, inspiration, whatevs, put it in the comments! LATERLOVELIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)))))

Over Exercising? Never!

Gaaawwwwd! My freakin fatness won't go away!!! I swear i'm going to end up just ripping it off myself! I'm getting ready to bike up to a convenience store which is about 2 miles away....I just got through swimming I'm tired. Probably going to crash after my biking. So far I've consumed a little over 1000cal so I'm done eating for the day....well comment or do what you will exchanging thoughts or something....:) PEACE!